Today Kimm and I tried out a new gym that we are considering joining.
It felt weird and good all at the same time being back inside a gym.
It made me feel hopeful that maybe THIS would be the time.
The time when I would STICK with it and finally LOSE all that excess weight.
But then I got angry at myself.
Angry that I have given up so many times.
Angry that I let myself get so fat.
Angry that I don’t have more willpower to resist the food that makes me lose control.
I hate it that I hate myself for a number on the scale.
Yet at the same time I know that at 100 pounds lighter I would be a much healthier person.
I know that I wouldn’t be as tired.
I know that my heels wouldn’t hurt as much after a 9 hour shift at the hospital.
But I can’t just stay angry and not keep trying, even if I have failed so many times. This has got to be the time that I really have to just stop thinking of this as a temporary “time to lose weight.”
I know now that this will always be a struggle for me.
The journey will not end.
I found a perfect quote that I hope can focus me on my new start…
“There is no finish line, so love the journey.”
I have to keep that in mind…there is NO finish line.
I need to not only love the journey, but start to love ME.
I am starting over again. I didn’t weigh myself this time. I don’t want to be dictated and rewarded by a number on the scale. I want to feel happy with each small accomplishment and not punish myself for each small slip…for I KNOW there will be setbacks.
My start … somewhere around 220 pounds.
There is no end…only moments where I can learn to love myself a little bit more.
Here’s to the start.