A new start in my journey

Saturday

Today Kimm and I tried out a new gym that we are considering joining.

It felt weird and good all at the same time being back inside a gym.

It made me feel hopeful that maybe THIS would be the time.

The time when I would STICK with it and finally LOSE all that excess weight.

But then I got angry at myself.

Angry that I have given up so many times.

Angry that I let myself get so fat.

Angry that I don’t have more willpower to resist the food that makes me lose control.

I hate it that I hate myself for a number on the scale.

Yet at the same time I know that at 100 pounds lighter I would be a much healthier person.

I know that I wouldn’t be as tired.

I know that my heels wouldn’t hurt as much after a 9 hour shift at the hospital.

But I can’t just stay angry and not keep trying, even if I have failed so many times.  This has got to be the time that I really have to just stop thinking of this as a temporary “time to lose weight.”

I know now that this will always be a struggle for me.

The journey will not end.

I found a perfect quote that I hope can focus me on my new start…

“There is no finish line, so love the journey.”

I have to keep that in mind…there is NO finish line.

I need to not only love the journey, but start to love ME.

I am starting over again.  I didn’t weigh myself this time.  I don’t want to be dictated and rewarded by a number on the scale.  I want to feel happy with each small accomplishment and not punish myself for each small slip…for I KNOW there will be setbacks.

My start … somewhere around 220 pounds.

There is no end…only moments where I can learn to love myself a little bit more.

Here’s to the start.

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