I hate how binge eating makes me lie to the ones I love.
Today we were doing the finance meeting and I came upon a receipt that was from Stop and Shop for a carton of cookies I had bought after trying on scrubs.
Mistakenly I had mentioned “Stop and Shop” and then realized what the receipt was for. How was I going to explain this to Kimm?
How could I get out of this? How could I lie?
I did it easily and that is what makes me hate myself all the more.
I said, “oh, I have to go to the bathroom.”
Then I said, “oh, I have to remember that I need to return some of these scrubs because some were too long.”
Then…I went on to the next receipt.
Thank goodness Kimm didn’t remember me saying anything about that Stop and Shop receipt.
But I remember that feeling when I ate those cookies…when I felt like I HAD to have them.
How good they initially tasted but then the flavor soured my mouth after about four cookies and I knew I was just eating to eat.
And I knew that it was a ton of calories that I didn’t need.
But I just kept eating.
To feel full.
And then I remember hiding that carton of cookies I couldn’t finish eating and then digging them out the next morning at work to eat them on the way home.
I remember hating myself when I looked at that receipt.
And I thought how much Kimm would hate me if she knew I had lied.
And I hated myself even more.
I don’t want to have to lie anymore.