Jealousy

Friday

I hate, hate, hate myself today.

I’m just so sick of myself being so fat and not being able to have the self control to do anything about it.

And it probably didn’t help that I saw on FB that one friend from high school has lost 40 lbs!!!  I mean, great for her and everything, but why  can’t that be me????  And then there is another friend from my last job who says it is her goal to lose 100 lbs by her 40th birthday…boy doesn’t that sound like a goal I’ve had oh, only about 100 times!  And she’s already down 11 lbs!!!

I’m just so jealous of all these people.

I want to be those people.

Instead, I’m the person that binges and binges and gets nowhere.

I mean, even today when Kimm is mowing the lawn I just felt that NEED to eat and so I have a handful of peanut butter pretzels and then about half a container of cashews.  What I really wanted was donuts or cookies…but I ate what I had.

And of course I felt so guilty afterwards.

So then I had a drink.  I just wanted to drown my emotions away.

I don’t know what is going on with me lately?  Is this peri-menopause??

I feel like my life is not what I expected or wanted.  But I don’t even know what I do want.

I just don’t even know what to do anymore.  I feel like the only thing I can do is just push on.

SIGH.

I know this is such a depressing post today but I just needed to get it off my chest.

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